had a weird day today.

i did have a lot of different friends visit me at work today.
that was pretty random.
especially since i havent seen some of them in a year.

i feel like something bad is going to happen soon. things have been going to smoothly. or rather my mind is smoothing things over as to prepare for the worst... hopefully i dont turn it into a self-fulfilled prophecy.

goodmorning.

God dealt me one of those "holy smackdowns" today.

suddenly i feel so life-lost. as if ive done everything too hastily. i mean... i can only be so optimistic before i really feel discouraged and full of doubt...

i think is dangerous for me to be left with my own thoughts. i tend to be psychologically self-mutilating...

i cant wait for i dunno what im waiting for anymore. its not like some big opportunity is gonna suddenly appear and im going to suddenly seize it. thats precisely what school was for--creating your own opportunity. why must i fail so hard at executing my life properly!? (executing as in completing...)

anyway, 5 years from now im probably going to be in the same boat and wodering the same things. ill see you in 5 years, sanity. i guess ill try to enjoy it while i have it.

math makes me angry.
especially when i go through long conceptual problems to end up with the incorrect numbers.
i almost immediately lose motivation.
thats probably why i suck at math.
why does math have to be soo important in this universe.
boo...

one day ill be old (or just older). ill look back and wonder what it was like to feel. and, assuming im no longer human, ill be in awe of how many meaningless things that crossed my mind.

anguish is a disease you give to yourself. the point you start to share it with others is the moment you give them the opporrunity to infect themselves. like a cold-it is always mutating and there is no permanent panacea except death. death of the person infected or the death of everything possible of self loathe and regret. if its the latter, the panacea doesnt actually cure anguish but becomes a catalyst. a catalyst for it to change into what, is anybody's guess. ill tell you once i get there or im put in that situation.

ive found it hard to put my thoughts into words lately.

life update:
no longer vegetarian. lasted a month before my diet was finally lifted.
lost 4 lbs. (i wasnt trying and i didnt need to)
started insanity by beach body
slowly detatching
same ol' same ol'

what a buuuuuurn.

i cut myself pretty badly yesterday and bled all over the place. i tourniqueted my finger to staunch the bleeding and failed miserably for a while. Mind you, this happened slightly before i went to bed. I woke up after 2 hours because my finger was pulsating and screaming to be let loose. I changed the bandages and my finger looked like a freshly used tampon-bright red, damp, and vibrant. it was pretty raunchy. i sort of ran out of bandages... at least its clotted now. oh well. hopefully i wont bleed all over my genetics test this morning. toodeloo!